


Dongdaemun

by bunnoculars



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 22:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnoculars/pseuds/bunnoculars
Summary: Taemin doesn't know how to talk to Jonghyun, and maybe Jonghyun doesn't know how to talk to him either. Set in 2007.





	Dongdaemun

“Are you even listening to me?”

Taemin nods.

Jonghyun hyung’s eyes narrow. “What did I just say?”

“Your sister wants you to go see _Hwang Jini_ with her, but she already made you watch the drama, and you think Ha Jiwon is hotter than Song Hyegyo, so you don’t see the point.”

Taemin doesn’t add that he disagrees. Whenever Song Hyegyo does beauty product CF’s, his brother drools and his mom sighs over her perfect skin, and Taemin might have had a crush on her when he was eleven and _All In_ was on TV.

Jonghyun hyung leaves it, but he doesn’t go back to his food, either. Just looks and looks at Taemin until Taemin’s skin starts to buzz and he has to try too hard to pretend it doesn’t bother him.

But in the end Jonghyun hyung asks, “What about you, what’s going on with you?”

And all Taemin has to say is, “Nothing.”

It’s the same answer he always gives, because it’s always the truth. He doesn’t know if Jonghyun hyung expects Taemin’s life to suddenly become exciting from one day to the next, but it’s like the more time Jonghyun hyung spends with Taemin, the more he returns to this one question. There are a million different versions of it.

“If you don’t want to tell me anything, fine,” Jonghyun hyung huffs, and that’s another one right there, because he’s still watching Taemin, still waiting.

He’s so frustrating. “You already know everything, hyung.”

_You’ve been there for most of it._

Every single day for the past week and a half, Jonghyun hyung has been at SM for hours by the time Taemin gets there, and Jonghyun hyung has decided when they’re both finished. And then he’s taken Taemin to the night market at Dongdaemun and bought him food and said whatever he wanted and then tried to get things out of Taemin. Taemin hasn’t figured out yet how to say no to any of that, so here they are again, at the street stall with the yellow awnings, squished together at the end of the bench next to a group of ahjussis in cheap suits. It was really hot earlier, but it’s nice enough now that Jonghyun hyung wanted pork bone stew. And it was nicer away from all these people, but Taemin is hungry, so whatever.

“How was school?” Jonghyun hyung tries.

Taemin actually has a few things he could say this time, but he’d rather not. He doesn’t want to tell Jonghyun hyung that he’s going to bomb his midterms, or that sitting there and feeling stupid all day sucks, or that he hasn’t had real friends since elementary school.

“Fine,” he says.

“Don’t lie, you’re failing everything, right?” Jonghyun hyung thinks that’s funny, but he seems to realize Taemin doesn’t, because he nudges him, says, “I still remember a lot of stuff from middle school, do you want me to do your homework?”

Taemin doesn’t even do it himself, but Jonghyun hyung doesn’t need to know that. He makes himself laugh anyway, so Jonghyun hyung will move on, find something else to bug him about.

Jonghyun hyung does. They finish eating and catch the bus and Jonghyun hyung walks Taemin home, follows him up the stairs to his door, and he doesn’t stop talking the whole time, doesn’t stop asking questions, either. Taemin practices dance steps all the way to the bus stop and then all the way to his building, scraping his shoes against the pavement and finding space to turn amidst passersby. Jonghyun hyung doesn’t make fun of him, so in return Taemin tries his best to listen to him.

And now that they’re here, Jonghyun hyung doesn’t want to go. He never does lately, Taemin can tell that much, even if he never gets why. Tonight it's the way Jonghyun hyung suddenly goes quiet, shifting his weight and sucking on the inside of his cheek. Taemin just waits, because he has to get rid of Jonghyun hyung before he opens the door. If Taemin’s mom gets ahold of him, Jonghyun hyung will never go home, and the two of them will compete to see who can embarrass Taemin the most.

“I picked today, so what do you want to eat tomorrow?” Jonghyun hyung says at last.

Finally, something Taemin can answer.

“Corn dogs,” he says immediately, and Jonghyun hyung knows he means the ones with French fry batter.

Jonghyun hyung passes a hand over Taemin’s hair and pinches his cheek instead of saying goodbye. Taemin watches him until he disappears down the stairwell. Then he lets himself in and goes straight to his bedroom and shuts the door, flops down onto his bed and buries his face in his pillow. Gets used to being alone again.

He gives himself five minutes before he gets back up. Counts beats in his head. Gets his body in rhythm.

 

Back when Taemin auditioned for SM, he had no real way to judge how good he was at dancing, because he had no one to compare himself with. He just knew he liked it, and he thought it was something he could do.

Now, he’s the best dancer out of all the trainees. He knows he is. He proves it to himself every Friday during evaluations, and for the longest time, the only person he’s had to compete with is himself.

None of that stops Taemin’s stomach from clenching when he walks into the practice room the next day and finds the new kid already there, already warming up.

Kim Jongin.

Apparently he started out with jazz dancing and ballet, but it’s taken him no time at all to catch up at popping, and now he scores second highest at evals most weeks. Taemin doesn’t know what he’s doing here, why he decided to trade _The Nutcracker_ for Michael Jackson. At first he figured that Jongin had to be really rich or really smart, something like that, because Taemin has never met anyone who’s even interested in that kind of stuff, but Jongin doesn’t put on airs. He just puts his head down and works his butt off and never says anything. To anyone. Pretty much ever.

Taemin can’t hate him, but that doesn’t mean he has to like him.

He isn’t even going to greet him, but Jongin catches his eye and Taemin feels guilty, so he says, “Is your school close by? You always get here first,” and then adds, “Jongin-ah,” in case he sounds like he doesn’t want him here, or something.

Jongin stares at him, and then remembers he’s supposed to answer. “I skip last period most of the time.”

Taemin should start doing that. In the meantime, he does his stretches, and then goes straight into the parts that gave him problems last night. He only has half an hour before the instructor shows up, but the minute he starts to move he stops worrying about the time.

And then all of the sudden Taemin hears, “Sunbae,” and he trips over himself. He’d almost gotten to that place where nothing can get to him, but now he’s back on planet earth, back to being tired and kind of sweaty and kind of hungry.

When Taemin turns to look, Jongin is watching him openly.

“How do you do that?” Jongin asks him.

Taemin isn’t sure what “that” is. When he tells Jongin as much, Jongin demonstrates, and then he has other “thats,” lots of them, and pretty soon they’re going through the whole thing step-by-step, off in the corner by themselves while the rest of the class slowly filters in. Taemin doesn’t know why Jongin is asking him when he’s doing fine, he doesn’t even need Taemin’s help for most of it.

Taemin just does not get him, period.

“Do you like pop music?” he asks Jongin before he can even think.

Jongin blinks at him, says “Yeah,” and that should be the end of that. They’re both out of things to say.

Except, somehow Taemin is going on, “You don’t like classical music better? You said you did ballet before.”

“I can’t like both?”

Jongin is kind of smiling, like Taemin is being weird, and maybe he is. He totally is.

It’s just, Taemin has been doing one thing for two and a half years. Every day, he’s put everything he has into it, his time, his heart, his whole body, and for all that, he has exactly one moment each week where he gets to look back and see how far he’s come, instead of focusing on where he’s fallen short. And now this kid has shown up, and he’s only been here for a month or two and he’s already at Taemin’s level, and maybe he’ll take that moment away soon, take first place.

Taemin isn’t going to let him do that, especially if it doesn’t mean the same thing to him.

 

The lesson goes okay and passes quickly, and then Taemin has to wait for the rest of the class to clear out before he can get back to work. Most of them are older and have nothing to say to Taemin, just pet his hair and squeeze his shoulder and pass him by, so he doesn’t have to work that hard to keep his focus while they mill around and chat and slowly, slowly migrate towards the door.

And then he hears Jonghyun hyung’s name and forgets himself.

“…heard that Jonghyunnie broke up with his girlfriend.”

“Really? Why? Joonmyun met her once, he said she was really cute.”

It’s two hyungs standing around just behind Taemin, pulling at their collars and wiping their faces. Taemin can’t remember their names, doesn’t get a good look before his ears start to heat up and he has to keep his eyes on the floor.

“She probably broke up with him, let’s be real,” the first one says. “Apparently he’s really down about it.”

“He hasn’t said anything, though? Whatever, who has the time to date anyway,” the second one sighs, and then they move on to other things, drift out of the room, and leave Taemin behind, stuck.

Taemin didn’t even know Jonghyun hyung had a girlfriend to break up with.

He doesn’t know why it bothers him so much, either, but it does. It bothers him while he debates turning the music on again or just playing it in his head, it bothers him when he starts the CD and cranks the volume up and then realizes that Jongin is still here, too, and bothers him more and more as he dances and messes up, and keeps messing up. He had it down perfectly just a while ago, and he knows he can do it, too, half the things he’s getting wrong are things he could normally do in his sleep.

It hasn’t gone away by the time Jonghyun hyung shows up hours later, looking for him.

“Are you ready to go, Taeminnie?” he says, straining his voice so that Taemin will hear him over the music.

Taemin isn’t going anywhere. “I need to work on this.”

Jonghyun hyung’s expression doesn’t change.

“Aren’t you hungry? It’s already nine thirty.”

“You go, then,” Taemin says, and it comes out a little weird, but he pushes that aside, gets back in position. “I’m doing this.”

Jonghyun hyung watches him for a little while, like he’s trying to figure him out, maybe waiting for Taemin to come around the way he always does, but Taemin outlasts him, making it up as he goes because his breathing’s gone tight and he can’t remember the steps when he’s like this. When he hears the floorboards creak and the door click shut, he still feels eyes on him, and it’s Jongin again.

“What?” he says, losing his patience. He knows he was doing it wrong.

Jongin seems to realize he’s staring, because he ducks his head, shuffles his feet. “Nothing. Just…you’re good at freestyling.”

And that’s all it takes, now Taemin is ashamed of himself again. He says thank you and really means it, even if he’s pretty sure what he was doing doesn’t count as freestyle, and then he tries to move on. The problem is nothing he does shuts his brain up.

Taemin doesn’t know what’s worse—that he never even knew this girl existed, that she broke Jonghyun hyung’s heart and Taemin couldn’t figure out what was wrong, or that Jonghyun hyung has probably been spending all this time with Taemin thinking of someone else, and wasting both their time talking to Taemin about stuff that doesn’t matter. And that’s all bad enough, but it’s making Taemin hate someone he’s never met, like he really, really hates her, and he’s not sure if it’s for himself or for Jonghyun hyung, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It’s not even ten o’clock when Jonghyun hyung returns, plastic bag hooked on his finger. Taemin can’t ignore him this time, especially when he sits Taemin down on the floor and shows off his spoils, three different kinds of milk and every possible flavor kimbap, all because he didn’t know what Taemin would want.

Jonghyun hyung probably did this kind of stuff for his girlfriend all the time, too. He’s so stupid.

Taemin stuffs his mouth until his cheeks are bulging and he doesn’t have to worry, because he’ll sound weird no matter what. “Thank you, hyung.”

“Aigoo. Just chew your food, okay?”

Jonghyun hyung punches a straw into the banana milk and hands it to Taemin. He feels like having strawberry, but he doesn’t say anything, just takes a long pull and tries to decide if he dislikes the way it tastes with rice.

Then Jonghyun hyung is saying, “Jongin-ah, what are you doing, get over here,” and Taemin forgets about it.

“Aren’t you hungry, hyung?”

Jonghyun hyung looks at him like he’s crazy. “You don’t think this is enough for three people!?”

Taemin doesn’t answer. Before Jonghyun hyung can do anything, before Jongin can even say anything, he gets on his elbows and knees over the mountain of kimbap, shielding it with his body until he’s picked out all the tuna mayo ones, and shuttled them towards Jonghyun hyung. They’re his favorite. Jongin doesn’t know Jonghyun hyung at all, so he wouldn’t know, and Jonghyun hyung would never say anything.

Jonghyun hyung laughs at him like he doesn’t know how to react, but he still eats it all, and Taemin doesn’t even care when Jonghyun hyung gives Jongin the milk he wanted.

 

On Thursday, Taemin wants to one-up Jongin and skip the whole school day to practice, but he’s never done that before, and if his parents found out they’d sit him down and talk to him about his future again, the way they do every time his grades drop. How he needs options. How dancing might not get him very far, even at SM.

He stays up all night instead, laying his blanket across his floor to muffle the sound of his feet, and maybe sleep would have been a better idea, because he’s a step behind all day. He’s late to school. He dozes off during math, and his desk mate lets him sleep through lunch. He misses his train and has to wait an extra fifteen minutes for the next one, and by the time he gets to SM and changes, everyone else is already there and the instructor is calling them to order.

“I signed you in already,” Jongin tells him when he sees him, and Taemin doesn’t get the chance to say anything, not _thank you_ or maybe _why,_ because it’s time to start.

Jongin goes right before him. He doesn’t make any mistakes, but that’s expected. He’s also beautiful to watch. Taemin is back on the ballet thing, wondering if there’s something he’s missing, and wishing he had something more he could bring to popping, too, something no one else here has.

And then Taemin is up. Same song, same dance. He does a good job, he doesn’t make any mistakes either.

He still fails. Gets second. The worst part is that he knew he was going to the whole time.

“Good job,” he tells Jongin afterwards, “you were awesome,” and unlike the thing on Taemin’s face, the smile Jongin gives him is one hundred percent genuine, slow and shy and kind of goofy-looking.

 

Jonghyun hyung isn’t impressed when Taemin tells him about it.

Taemin went to find him first today, and now they’re having the corn dogs they never got earlier in the week. The sun hasn’t even set all the way this time, the air is still close and warm and they’re the only ones eating here, but Jonghyun hyung still sits right next to Taemin on the bench, pressed to his side. It’s just, it’s too hot.

And now he’s giving Taemin this look and Taemin’s ears are burning, too.

“I can’t decide if you’re intense or if you’re just spoiled, Taemin-ah.”

And Jonghyun hyung always wants Taemin to tell him stuff, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to hear it after all. Taemin isn’t going to answer that, so he ignores Jonghyun hyung for his corn dog. It's his third one, and he was going to savor it because it’s also his last. Jonghyun hyung is cutting him off.

“So you lost one week, big deal,” Jonghyun hyung goes on anyway. “I lose to Taeyeon every week on vocal evaluations, should I start hating her?”

That’s not the same, not at all.

“I only have one thing I can do,” Taemin says, and it’s like he has to squeeze the words up his throat. “I can’t sing and I can’t study. All I have is dancing, I have to be the best or there’s no point.”

Jonghyun hyung doesn’t say anything for a while, just studies him, and Taemin has to fight to meet his eyes. Then, finally, “How do you think that kid feels? Jongin?”

Whatever Taemin was expecting to hear, that wasn’t it, and it makes him feel stupid. “How would I know?”

“You don’t think he feels the exact same way as you?” Jonghyun hyung presses him, and somehow Taemin has never thought about it like that before. Jonghyun hyung nudges Taemin, hand creeping up from behind to tickle his side. “You don’t think you could understand him if you tried? Hmm?”

“I guess,” Taemin allows, and he lets himself smile.

“You guess? Try talking to him, Taeminnie.”

Taemin wants to tell Jonghyun hyung that Jongin doesn’t talk, but maybe that’s not fair, because neither does Taemin. And then he thinks of Jongin’s smile, the things his body says when he dances, how serious he gets when Taemin shows him stuff, how hard he worked to get first today, how much work Taemin probably didn’t see. And for the first time, Taemin actually wants to be nice to him. He wants to treat him well.

Jonghyun hyung is watching him, like he knows everything Taemin is thinking.

“Hyung,” Taemin says suddenly.

“What?”

He just comes out with it. “Did you get dumped?”

Jonghyun hyung stiffens against him, surprise probably, because Taemin doesn’t think he’s mad, even when he demands, “Where did you hear that?”

“I don’t know, some hyungs in my dance class were talking about it,” Taemin says, but he’s thinking, _you could have told me about it yourself._

“I didn’t get dumped,” Jonghyun hyung insists, loud enough for the ahjumma behind the counter and the girls in school uniforms just sitting down, but what do any of them care.

And if Taemin could figure out what to say, it would be a lot harder for him to keep his mouth shut like this, because he doesn’t want that to be the last word on the subject. Maybe Jonghyun hyung doesn’t either, because he’s eyeing Taemin, like he’s trying to figure out how much to tell him.

“I broke up with her. I just, it wasn’t working. I never got to see her.”

“So you still like her,” Taemin says, and the words taste sour.

Jonghyun hyung shakes his head, says, “It’s complicated, Taeminnie,” and Taemin hates it. He hates it so much.

“I’ve had a girlfriend before,” Taemin begins, but Jonghyun hyung finds him out before he’s even finished.

“It doesn’t count if it was in elementary school. You haven’t even had your first kiss yet, have you?”

“I’m not stupid,” Taemin insists, because he can’t defend against that. “I’m fifteen, I’m not a little kid.”

And then he goes back to his corn dog.

“Did I say you were?” Jonghyun hyung retorts, then makes it worse right away, clicking his tongue and wiping ketchup off Taemin’s cheek. Taemin wants to knock his hand away, but he sits still, because his own feelings weren’t supposed to be the point, and maybe Taemin _is_ being a child right now.

Taemin wants to tell Jonghyun hyung that he can talk to him. He wants to tell him that he doesn’t have a right to be mad anymore when Taemin can’t figure out how to let him in. He’s not going to say any of that, though, and he doesn’t have to, because Jonghyun hyung breaks the silence first.

“We started going out when I was still in school, before I auditioned, even,” he tells Taemin. “Since then it’s been on and off, but it’s off for good now. We didn’t have anything to talk about anymore, and we never saw each other, and then all we did was fight.” He sighs, scrubs a hand over his face, and suddenly Taemin is terrified he’s going to cry or something, but instead he says, “And I don’t miss her, I’m not lying, I really don’t. Just…I thought I never had time for her, but it feels like I have nothing but time now. It’s lonely.”

Taemin doesn’t know if he’s supposed to look at him or not, but he does, and then he puts his hand on Jonghyun hyung’s back, solid and warm beneath his palm.

“How come you never told me about her?” he asks, and he’s just being selfish, but still, he wants to know. He always thought Jonghyun hyung told him everything.

Jonghyun hyung scoffs, like he’s read his mind. “Now you know how I feel. You never tell me anything, it’s taken this long to get you to even talk to me.” He narrows his eyes, poking Taemin’s cheek with one accusing finger. “If you had someone you liked, would you tell me about it?”

Taemin gets a little lost looking Jonghyun hyung in the face, and he realizes some things.

“If I were dating them I would,” Taemin hedges, because the obvious answer is _no._ The obvious answer is _I like you._

“Aigoo, the next time I ask someone out I’ll get your approval first,” Jonghyun hyung says, and then, “It was more off than on,” and, “You have a lot of things you don’t want to talk about, too,” and finally, “I didn’t know how easy it is to talk to you.”

 

Jonghyun hyung offers to buy Taemin a fourth corn dog in the end, but Taemin passes, and Jonghyun hyung gets over his disappointment by dragging Taemin around the market for an hour. He takes Taemin’s hand when night falls and the crowds come, and Taemin lets it happen, lets Jonghyun hyung lead him around and lets himself like it, and if it hurts later, at least Taemin will understand why now.

Jonghyun hyung doesn’t spend any money in the end, and he’s quiet all the way to Taemin’s apartment. They started earlier today but somehow it’s later than ever when they reach Taemin’s door, and play the waiting game again.

Taemin isn’t sure how much longer he has before Jonghyun hyung is okay again, how much longer before Dongdaemun only happens once a month, then once every couple of months the way it used to. He doesn’t know how to help Jonghyun hyung get to that point, either.

Enough time passes that Jonghyun hyung thinks he’s lost again and turns to go, but Taemin finds himself saying, “You can come in if you want.”

Jonghyun hyung does.

Taemin’s mom doesn’t say anything too weird, and neither does Jonghyun hyung, not really. She cuts up some fruit and watches Jonghyun hyung eat, and asks him about everything under the sun before she remembers Taemin exists and asks about him too, and Jonghyun hyung does his best to answer all her questions, and he doesn't say half the things about Taemin that he could. And then she offers to let him stay over, lets him borrow their phone to call his mom and orders Taemin to lend him some pajamas. And Taemin is okay with all of that, in the end. He kind of hopes it will happen again. Soon, even.

When Taemin doesn’t set his alarm, just crawls into bed, Jonghyun hyung frowns down at him. “Don’t you have to get up for school?”

“I have Saturday off this week,” Taemin tells him.

Jonghyun hyung shrugs, goes to get the light. Then he settles down next to Taemin, and Taemin hopes that it’s not too hot in here for Jonghyun hyung to sleep. The air conditioning crapped out again a couple days ago, and every time this happens Taemin’s dad says he can fix it on his own, when he’s never been able to before.

“Do you want to go take a bath with me tomorrow?” Jonghyun hyung asks out of nowhere.

“I have to practice,” Taemin reminds him. Jongin will be there, too, and he can start trying to figure him out.

“Like I don’t?” Jonghyun hyung replies, nudging Taemin with his foot. “Come take a bath with me and then we can go together.”

Taemin wants to ask Jonghyun hyung why he keeps coming to him instead of his other friends. Because Jonghyun hyung has lots of them, and they’re all older and smarter and cooler than Taemin, and it probably wouldn’t take this long for them to figure out what they should be saying and doing, they probably wouldn’t make things worse before they could figure out how to make them better. It probably wouldn’t mean so much to them, either.

Taemin turns over onto his side, facing the wall.

“All right, I’ll go with you.”


End file.
